An Ode to BioWare

I suppose one thing must really be addressed before we launch into our exploration of all things pervy and gaming:  We.  Love.  BioWare.

I mean, literal love.  I have told people that I would marry BioWare if I could.  I think I would kiss everyone working there as a ‘thank you’ for being so dang awesome.  In other words, BioWare is my hero.

BioWare should be raised on a pedestal and all game development companies should quake in fear of BioWare’s name.  Or maybe kiss their feet.  Or both.  RPGs are a great genre for pervy gaming, and BioWare manages to raise the bar while staying classy.

Thus, in honor of the unquestionably best video game development company ever, I present… an obviously fawning fan letter!  (Dragon Age: Origins spoilers abound…)

Dear BioWare:

First of all, I love you.  Please never stop making games, because each one is epic and amazing, and I get lost in the unique worlds.

Secondly, I really owe you many thanks.  Not only for these said best games ever, but also for allowing the story to be so multidimensional; involving not only a protagonist and those he or she travels with, but also the relationships that develop through this journey.  I love that you have encouraged mature relationships for players.  And, occasionally, pervy ones.

And thank you, thank you, thank you for Alistair.  I mean, what’s better than a cheeky and sarcastic British warrior who’s also heir to the throne?

If you happen to have any leftover life-sized, talking…and anatomically correct statues of Alistair, I’d be happy to take one off your hands.  I’ll pay for shipping.  I would also love an Alistair cutout, or even a poster.  And just fyi, I’d pay for a movie of new Alistair cut scenes.

But now that we’re on that subject…um, dark ritual?  When you’re a female, the only option is Alistair (or Loghain, but who gets rid of the adorable British guy for the one who stabbed you in the back from the very beginning?) doing it with Morrigan, and this ignites some fierce anger / jealousy for those female players.  I was mortified by the cut scene (which includes a seductive Morrigan sauntering over to Alistair), and actually lost sleep over the thought of Morrigan sleeping with my man.  This from the guy who wanted to wait to tent with me until he knew it was love because it was his first time?  He actually AGREED to this?!  And – I’m starting to get all fired up here – how come, on the eve of a battle that seems unlikely we will live through, Alistair doesn’t come back to spend the rest of the night with me?  Does this damn dark ritual take all night?  And why doesn’t he ever speak a word of it to me?  You’d think he’d come over and assure me he’s still in love with me, that he hated having to be with Morrigan…etc, etc.  No.  None of that.  Just, dark ritual (and I’m shuddering at the images burned into my mind of Morrigan and Alistair together) and then battle.  No comforting hug from Alistair?  Heck, I would even take an awkward ‘morning after’ conversation.  At least then it’s acknowledged.  No, just a ‘heartening’ speech from Alistair to the troops, with me in the background secretly seething with anger.

So that’s my first suggestion for that situation.  Add something comforting for the female players.  Just a simple, fumbling apology from Alistair would heal all wounds.

By the way, I also think – as disturbing as it sounds – I would sit outside the door and listen.  Or perhaps burst into the room and tell them to stop enjoying it so much.  Actually, on that note, why can’t I join in?  It wouldn’t be so awful then.  “Dark Ritual – the Threesome”.

Here’s my next suggestion:  The dark ritual needs ‘Romance Tactics’, so I can direct the proceedings to where I approve of the situation.  Similar to ‘Combat Tactics’, you can choose things to happen in various scenarios.  Such as – If “Dark Ritual” = “Morrigan” > “Face away from Alistair” and “Face in the pillows”.  If “Dark Ritual” = “Alistair” > “Look at main character” and “Think about main character”.  If “Dark Ritual” = “Morrigan” > “No moaning”.

Tenting is one of the best things Dragon Age has to offer.  Therefore, I think it’s important that tenting be allowed anytime, anywhere.  Why can’t you get it on at Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim?  This doesn’t make sense.  With so many rooms, you’d think there would be an area you could sneak off to.  In the middle of a battle?  Not a problem, just throw up a tent and go at it.  I don’t think the ogre would mind.  He might actually peek in and watch.  Plus, your characters would get a strength and constitution bonus, and would instantly be back at full health.  Tenting also needs to have unique cut scenes each time.  This is a must.  I mean, you walk up to them at camp after the initial encounter, ask them if they want to tent, and all you end up seeing is a kiss?  No.  I demand more tenting scenes.  ‘Romance Tactics’ can also play a part here.  Choosing different tactics would grant the player different scenes.

All in all, your games are amazing.  No question.  I would count Dragon Age and Mass Effect among my top favorite games.  Actually, they are my favorites.

…are you hiring?

Love and kisses (yes, kisses for all),

-Kat

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Comments

[…] } Well WTF BioWare? Listen, I totally share Kat’s sentiment towards you guys, but I also share the sentiment that I love perving out. on Dragon Age: Origins […]

[…] character and Alistair is also incredibly suspicious.  I’ve touched on this before (in my letter to BioWare, I got a little sidetracking with horrible memories of the dark ritual event), but I need to say it […]

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