Ugly Video Game Characters

Ugly Video Game Characters

In preparation for the eventual release of The Witcher 2 I find myself once again struck with a monumental problem with The Witcher. This is not a problem with gameplay, or graphics, or story but with the overall character itself. It’s the kind of video game that goes awry in the first 15 seconds because the main characters face flashed on your screen and you almost dive under whatever you’re sitting on because you’re afraid it’s so ugly it may just try and steal your soul.

Every video game has an ugly character or two and I can overlook them. But I find it difficult to get connected to, feel empathy for, or wish for the survival of my main character when all I can think is “Holy crap why did they make him so damn ugly?” I’m supposed to be living for a period of this person’s life. I’m supposed to assume their role and identify with them. Why would I want to? Is it supposed to be fun to have children and women run screaming at my very appearance and have farmers chase me with pitchforks until I eventually burn to death in a windmill (name that movie)? No, its not fun.

I know, I’m shallow. I’m a guy, its what I do.

Now you may be asking yourselves “What video games have such god awful ugly characters?” Well you’re in luck, I’ve made a short list for you:

Geralt of Riva: The Witcher

Oh crap, I think he just ate my soul.

Geralt of Riva: The Witcher/The Witcher 2

Let’s start out with the very reason for the post in the first place. Geralt of Riva is a damn ghoul. I mean just look at him, what redeeming quality is there in him. Everything about The Witcher’s main character screams “I’m going to sneak into your house in the middle of the night and abscond your virgin daughter.” He has all the look of Brett Michaels and none of the awesomeness.

And the most intriguing facet of The Witcher is the fact that you not only have numerous romantic conquests, but you get rewarded for them. Apparently when the world is going to shit and monsters roam the countryside any man will do when you need your quick lovin’ fix.

I can only imagine they sat in their design meeting and said “Man, Legolas was awesome. Lets make someone bad ass like him but instead of a bow lets give him a sword. That’s awesome! Now lets give him a large scar because scars are awesome! Okay now age him 30 years. Now make him look and sound like he smoked a pack a day for each of those 30 years. That’s AWESOME!”

Miranda Lawson: Mass Effect 2 - Ugly Video Game Characters

Please stop looking at me.

Miranda Lawson: Mass Effect 2

Oh how we here at PtC love our BioWare and pretty much everything that BioWare does. That being said, in Mass Effect 2, what the hell did they put on Miranda Lawson’s chin? What? What do you mean? That is her chin? Dear god why? Miranda should have been amazing! You start with Yvonne Strahovski give her a space ship and a gun and have her kill things. Throw in a sex scene and bam! That right there is a recipe for smokin’ hottie. Instead you get that…thing. Now she’s not all bad. There are absolutely worse looking models in the video game world. In fact everything before the Playstation 2 era is a bit…well….jagged and pointy.

Miranda Lawson Sex Scene - Mass Effect 2 - Ugly Video Game Characters

Mass Effect 2 has a butterface

The flipside is that the rest of Miranda is pretty damn nice. I find myself wanting to like her more. I feel this overwhelming compulsion to legitimately want to say to myself “I can cope with that” but to be honest I really cant. Is there a patch BioWare can issue that can fix her? Seriously?

In fact yes: BioWare (I know you’re reading this) please from all of us here at Polish the Console do something to fix Miranda Lawson’s god awful face.  Shave th chin down a bit. Make her less manly. Give her a softer look that makes the ass kickery all that much more…ass kicky.

Never in my life has underboob ever been seen in conjunction with the overwhelming desire to yell “PUT ON A HELMET!!”

Want to know the real head scratcher? We also think she’s hot. Explain that! So much so that she made into our Pin Up Gallery. Hell, even  we’re confused.

Nier: Gestalt - Old Nier

Nier Hungry

The Father: Nier

Once again I would like to state that I loved Nier. I thought it was awesome. I’m actually questioning its placement on this list because I loved it so much. I can play Nier for hours on end and never get tired of it. Nier is like having an ugly baby. You know its ugly. Whenever anyone looks at it they think its ugly. Nier is just that ugly. But you know what? It’s your ugly baby and you love it no matter what. That’s what Nier is to me. Nier is my ugly baby.

But Nier also tests the limits of how ugly something can be and still illicit a positive emotional response. Sure he’s supposed to be old. Sure he’s supposed to look like absolute hell. Sure his life pretty much mimics Gary Busey’s. But couldn’t they have at least dressed him in something relatively presentable? What’s this, no shirt? Are those raging pythons too big to be contained by anything that isn’t made of solid steel?

Marcus Fenix - Gears of War - Ugly Video Game Characters

Can he even wear a real shirt anymore?

Marcus Fenix: Gears of War/Gears of War 2

His can’t. Not at all. Not even mildly. Marcus Fenix of Gears of War cannot, at all, wear a normal shirt. Look at him. His wrist is the same size as his neck. Is this some medical condition we need to be aware of? How does he pick up nickels with those sausages he calls fingers? Can he even fit his hand into a pocket? This is a man that will crush a door knob when he tries to grasp it. I feel bad for any woman who attempts to hook up with him. If Marcus even thinks about it the woman feels sore.

Then there’s his face. Marcus Fenix looks like the guy you see out and around who never wears sleeves, always poses for the camera (usually some lame ass kissy face), and acts like a total douche to everyone around him while he sips his Long Island. You know who I’m talking about. It’s called the Jersey Shore. He looks like the kind of guy who would make a legitimate attempt to name himself after his favorite gym verb. I bet his friends call him Flex, or Bulk, or Pump. I just call him Giggles.

Killzone 2 - Ugly Video Game Characters

I petition to send them all the Helghan...now

Sev: Killzone 2

I’m sorry. Did I say Sev? I mean the whole damn team. Killzone 2 takes place on Helghan which is supposed to be an ugly planet full of ugly people. Good. Lets bomb them. They are pricks anyway. But holy crap can you throw at least one attractive team member our way so we can say “this guy would be fun to go out and watch a ball game with” instead of “why did he just reference Garza’s butthole and why is he so familiar with its odor?”

I mean yeah it sucks that Garza dies but I was kind of relieved I didn’t have to look at him anymore. Now what do I have to do in order to go rogue and not look at the rest of my team anymore? And for that matter what do I have to do in order to totally remove all mirrors from my immediate area at all times?

Max Payne: Max Payne

You know what? If you really want to know my thoughts, just read the caption below:

Max Payne - Max Payne - Ugly Video Game Characters

Can someone please get Max a stool softener from that gift shop in the back?

Now I ask you, who’s your ugly video game character of choice?

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Rating: 1.7/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments

Posted On
Jul 02, 2010
Posted By
Demut

You know, Geralt is supposed to be fugly. Your comment actually praises the developers’ work since that’s what they intended to create. Sadly they seem to have listened to fagbags such as yourself and are now modeling him into a queer Hollywood actor. Bleargh!

Though, now I wonder which game character’s look you like seeing that you dislike quite a lot.

“Apparently when the world is going to shit and monsters roam the countryside any man will do when you need your quick lovin’ fix.”

You are a boy a.k.a. you have no idea what women are able to find sexy.

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Rating: +1 (from 7 votes)
Posted On
Jul 02, 2010
Posted By
wadoobie

You are right, I am indeed a male. But two things 1.) fagbag? really? You got so uppity over a gravel voiced, shovel faced video game character that you resort to name calling? Simmer down honey. it’s gonna be okay. 2.) It doesn’t take a female to be able to say whether or not something is attractive. People are attracted to different things and if you really wanna take a ride on the ol’ Gargoyle’s Meat Pole then more power to ya. Competition will most not be stiff.

There are, however, a slew of characters that are quite attractive. I suggest you head over to our Video Game Pin Up section and see a few of them….that reminds me, we really have to get this weeks in.

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Rating: -6 (from 6 votes)
Posted On
Jul 16, 2010
Posted By
kcrlcats

Huh, guess I missed the memo. I’m a girl and thought Geralt was pretty damn sexy in his rugged, mutated, scarred-ness. However, I think the faggy Geralt for the 2nd one is fugly.

You really think Miranda is ugly? All I’ve heard on the Bioware forums is how hot she is. Some hate her personality, but most seem in agreement she’s hot.

I have to agree with all the others, though I wouldn’t say they are the UGLIEST of all time. There are definitely worse out there.

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Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
Posted On
Jul 16, 2010
Posted By
kcrlcats

Ha! Both Geralt & Max Payne made a Hunkiest Characters List:

http://news.filefront.com/the-hunkiest-heroes-in-video-games-too-bad-there-arent-enough-of-them/

I am not the only one with a thing for Geralt :D

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Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
Posted On
Jul 21, 2010
Posted By
kattiki

I think I need to try the Witcher – and I’m getting excited for the Witcher 2 – I need to check out this controversial Geralt character. I mean from his pictures he’s not the sexiest thing my eyes have fell upon, but all women know that a man’s personality can great affect his attractiveness. ;)

-Kat

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Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Griefy

Ugh, first thing I said when I saw Miranda was “What the hell is with that god awful underbite!?” I mean seriously everything is great but her face. >.> It just protrudes a bit more than I would like. :/ She’s looking more and more like a post-op tranny the more I look at her picture. Must stop or my health may decline.

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Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Paulie

Can i add on to this list?How about every fallout3/elder scrolls NPC.

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Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Kale

Miranda? Really? Her chin?
For a video game character Miranda is pretty hot. I keep referring back to the picture to try see what your talking about.

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Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
anthony

I thought I was going to read something sarcastic and funny on the lines of crackeddotcom.

I’m sorry to point this out, but this article sounds childish and full of pride for oneself.

It’s full of judgement over something very personnal and even cultural, without a hint of humour to justify it.

“Lets bomb them. They are pricks anyway. But holy crap can you throw at least one attractive team member our way(…)”

I can’t even understand what are your intentions in this comment, but they sound quite bizarre.. You want to see masculine top models representing soldiers in a war-torn game world?!

“Man, Legolas was awesome. Lets make someone bad ass like him (…)”

This one is creepy…

Next stop: Top 10 Ugliest Female Models of the world featuring Claudia Schiffer in first place, because “oMg, sH3′s 0Lddd!1|… dUh!! Let’s Bomb G3rManY!!”

Note: Mass Effect and Bioware have been doing something that deserves praise in relation to the representation of women in videogames – of course, liking real women in the real world is a condition required to understand it.

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Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
jdiggitydawg

Sorry,but anyone who says miranda is ugly must be a turd tapper!!She is so DAMN HOT!! I can’t beleive I went for jack(crazy bitch,sex scene)in masseffect 2 and not miranda…it bothered me so bad that i’m going back through it just to have sweet miranda sex!!! as for the others on your list,I don’t care there all dudes,WTF???

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Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
lol

Is this http://images.askmen.com/photos/yvonne-strahovski/63895.jpg fucking ugly?

IS IT UGLY?

Damn you need some brain check… or just come out of the closet already i think thats why almost every character listed in here are men.

Fag.

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Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
jdiggitydawg

Holy shit!!! thanks for the real life pic of miranda lol, WOW she looks even better in real life!! whooo,down boy! (http://images.askmen.com/photos/yvonne-strahovski/63895.jpg) NOT ugly at all you FAGGOT!!

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Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Zimbee

Yeah, saying Miranda is ugly while her voice actor/real person she was modeled after isn’t is pretty contradictory since they look nearly exactly the same. You can’t like one and not the other. Get your head checked.

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Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Tim

Honestly I thought you were going to use Miranda as an example of how to make a good looking character. When I read that you thought she was ugly (because of her chin? Really?) I skimmed through the pictures and then facepalmed. Marcus Fenix? Are you serious? You do realize that Gears of War is set on a wartorn planet and involves chainsawing people in half and blowing their heads off, right? And you expect pretty people? I usually let people have their own opinions, but this is too shallow to let slide. Miranda is beautiful (because Yvonne Strahovski is and Miranda’s model was based on her) and you just don’t get what game developers are trying to do.

P.S. Don’t say that you’re shallow because you’re a guy. I find that incredibly insulting.

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Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
Posted On
Jul 27, 2010
Posted By
Alec

I’d take Fenix’ or Sev’s look over my own face any day of the week. Hell, even Geralt’s.

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Posted On
Jul 28, 2010
Posted By
asdf

seriously lacks kratos

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Posted On
Jul 28, 2010
Posted By
ClaireVammes

This line is wrong:
“I know, I’m shallow. I’m a guy, its what I do.”

It should be:
“I know, I’m shallow. I’m gay, its what I do.”

It would still be insulting to homosexual people instead of offending heterosexual ones – however it would be more honest.

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Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
Posted On
Jul 28, 2010
Posted By
datdude

If you’re looking at miranda and noticing her chin you’ve got some serious issues my friend.

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Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
Posted On
Sep 26, 2010
Posted By
fasdfas

i honestly laughed out loud about what you said about Marcus Fenis, hahaha, i mean seriously, how can you be so immature? With all the scars on his face i’d probably see him in Vietnam or World War 2 instead of acting like a pompous pretty-boy prick like those from “The jersey shore”. I wonder how you got hired as a writer for this site, let alone hired at all. Get fired please so you can give someone a job who actually knows what hes doing.

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Posted On
Sep 27, 2010
Posted By
wadoobie

Not gonna lie….getting fired would be pretty damn tricky….

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Posted On
Oct 05, 2010
Posted By
animelady851

Ganondorf from Zelda. He’s ugly both inside and out.

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Posted On
Oct 05, 2010
Posted By
wadoobie

Ooooo….that’s a good one. I hadn’t even thought of him. But which one? The warthog pig thing or the unfortunate looking human? Perhaps both…

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Posted On
Oct 08, 2010
Posted By
animelady851

Both!

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Posted On
Nov 01, 2010
Posted By
iamcoolohyeah

Waluigi from WarioWare. Fans actually pair him up with Rosalina. WTF……?

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Posted On
Dec 18, 2010
Posted By
iamcoolohyeah

I saw ign’s top 50 hottest video game girls and someone asked why they didnt put Orchid from Killer Instinct on there I was like thats cause she not hot. All the Killer Instinct girls have man face going on. But I do admit that some of the girls on IGN’s list were on there because of the popularity of there video game franchise or because they dress slutty.

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Posted On
Apr 30, 2011
Posted By
GCMAX

Well I thought Miranda was the one of the most attractive characters of the game and also felt she was sexy because she actually looked pretty realistic. Maybe you like to live in a fantasy world, I know it’s alot of fun but sometimes you need to take a break to fully appreciate reality.

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Posted On
Dec 22, 2012
Posted By
Mike Chambers

How the hell did Kendra from Dead Space not make this list?

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