Archive for August, 2010

The Most Annoying Video Game Achievements

There’s nothing worse for an achievement or trophy whore (see ‘achievement / trophy whore’ definition here) than when a game decides it’s a good idea to have some ridiculous type of collectible within the game as an achievement.  You know the type; those ridiculous pieces of paraphernalia that mean absolutely nothing to gameplay, storyline, or character development.  Nothing that furthers the actual plot of the game.  No, the only value to these random items is the achievement.

These things are as important to gameplay as the name of the designer who created Kratos’ hair.

…exactly.  They are that important.

God of War: Kratos

Why can't the flag achievements be as nonexistent as Kratos' hair?

I decided that I wanted to finish Assassin’s Creed before I started Assassin’s Creed II.  I know, I know, a little behind.  But I don’t mean story-line-wise.  I wanted to finish all the achievements.  I had pretty much all of them, except for the flag collections, Templar kills, and killing 25 guards.  After a few tries in which the guards hysterically became scared of Atair and ran away from him, I was able to lure and kill enough guards to get the achievement.  Which left the achievements for flag collecting and Templar killing (which is essentially collecting).

I set myself up with the laptop and the game, referring to the laptop for the flag locations online.  First of all, what a time waster.  The flags are sometimes hidden in tricky locations, causing the player to hunt around an area.  Thank goodness for the ability to place a ‘Player Marker’, otherwise I’d be doomed.

Assassin's Creed Flag

These will haunt my dreams.

Secondly, the cities are BIG.  There are three districts, and two of the flag achievements require the player to hunt down 100 flags total, without keeping each district’s flags as a separate achievement.  As I’m going through Jerusalem, I check off each flag starting at 1 all the way up to 100, without skipping any so I don’t mess up the count.  This whole process probably took around 2-3 hours.  And before you go off and say ‘Wow, you must be the slowest player on the planet’, I just want to say that I get easily distracted and want to kill every guard I encounter.  Anyways, as I head to the 100th flag’s location, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I’m at 99 / 100 flags.  There’s 1 damn flag left.

And it’s not where the 100th flag should be.

I had a meltdown.  Threw the controller, swore like a sailor, ranted to Wadoobie about it.  Because there’s no way I’m spending that much time to go through all 100 flags a second time…just to find ONE MISSING FLAG.  No way!

So, to make myself feel better, I’m tossing AC1 aside and digging in to AC2 immediately.

But it would also help to hear other horror stories.  What’s given you the biggest headache?  Skulls, Packages, Flying Rats, Dog Tags, Gobbos, Audio Diaries?  Whatever your poison, I want to hear it.

Oh, and if you need help with flag locations, these AC maps are worthy of an Ass Stamp of Approval.

-Kat

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Dragon Age II – Destiny Trailer WARNING: Your pants may explode

Gamescom 2010 is underway in Germany and today was a downright huge day for PS3 gamers with the news of Mass Effect 2 coming their way. But BioWare wasn’t done droppin’ bombs on us. The release date for Dragon Age II was released as well, it’s March 8, 2011.

But that’s not all…in a Billy Mays-esque maneuver they went ahead and threw in an added bonus. Below we have the Destiny trailer for Dragon Age II. I feel I should warn you that when I pulled this up at work today the entire internet started to run slowly. I began to watch it and I’m pretty sure I blacked out. When I came to I was standing on

hawke dragon age II

"My nose? No, I cut myself shaving."

my desk with my monitor above my head cheering in a loud manly yell. Once it was over I sent it up to Kat. Sure enough the internet ran slowly and she did the bull dance around the office while twirling her “overshirt” above her head while talking smack to the graphic designers.

I can only think of two theories to account for this. But to explain this we need to break the events down. Two people acted well outside of their normal patterns of behavior while the very internet that brought us this trailer slowed. Ladies and gentlemen…this video is so damn awesome that existence itself altered upon its release. The internet didn’t slow down, the world slowed down in an attempt to comprehend the very level of awesomeness contained in these two minutes.

On top of this our feeble minds cannot comprehend the sheer awesome that exists in this video. We act in a way we feel commensurate to the awesome forcing ourselves to black out and behave in a very unusual manner. I warn you to make sure loved ones, coworkers, pets, neighbors, friends, and small children are nowhere near you when you press play. We at Polish the Console can not be held accountable for what you may do while you watch it.

My pants literally just exploded into a brilliant light and an angelic choir just sang out. Did that just happen to anyone else?

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Mass Effect 2: Where’s My Solo Scene?

I sing enough of BioWare‘s praises, but honestly I can’t get enough.  They really know how to create a game that takes root within you, leaving you continually thinking about the engrossing characters.

Think back to the BioWare classic RPG, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.  You create your own Jedi, and throughout your journey you continue to hear about this incredibly evil Sith, Revan.  In the biggest reveal this side of the galaxy, you find out that YOU were Revan!  How crazy was that!!  And how unforgettable!

"Is that an order, Commander?"

For a more recent example, well, this weekend I finally beat Mass Effect 2.  Predictably, in the original Mass Effect, I developed a relationship with Kaidan Alenko.  Sensitive and caring, I fell head over heels for Kaidan.  Imagine my disappointment when I found out he wouldn’t be joining the team in ME2 – and that he would, in fact, feel hurt and have strong words for me when we reunited on Horizon.

Can’t really say I blame the guy.  After our heated night prior to Ilos and saving the Citadel, I randomly disappear for two years?  That’s gotta hurt.

Anyways, in ME2, you have a larger selection of choices if you’re looking for a romance (from one option to three).  One flirtatious comment can send you into a whirlwind of romance and have them knocking on your cabin door the night before the suicide mission.

A side note – I gotta admit, I was a little disappointed in the choices for romances this game.  Granted, Jacob is a sexy beefcake, but there’s not really a deep emotional connection with him.  Thane kinda freaks me out the way he looks like a frog and has those crazy eyes and precise memory.  And Garrus just looks…sharp.

I decided to hold out, since in the third Mass Effect, I’m just 100% positive I’ll be able to see Kaidan again.  I’m not even praying that he’s in it because I’m so sure that he will be.  (You hearing this BioWare?  Don’t let me down!)  I’m also positive that there will be some amazing reunion action.

However, poor Shepard had to suffer the consequences of the lack of romance.  The worst was on the eve of the suicide mission, my lonely Commander Shepard locked herself in her room and stared at a picture of Kaidan, potentially resorting to, erm, Polishing the Console.  *wink wink, nudge nudge*  How sad is that!

By the way, since every other relationship culminates in a sexy scene, why doesn’t Shepard get her own, solo scene when she decides to forgo a relationship?  Can you imagine Fox news reacting to that?

Garrus

"Talk to me, Garrus. It's sexy."

Another sad fact?  I’ve become so deprived of tenting action that I’ve even started thinking Garrus is sexy.  Mmmm, that growly voice…

I’ve already started a second game and can’t wait to get my flirt on with all the guys.

PS – BioWare, feel free to consult myself or Wadoobie on ME3.  Or send us copies and we’d be happy to help test!

-Kat

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