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There you are, a seeming normal plumber thrust into an unnatural situation. You know you have to jump over these ginormatron green pipes and sometimes, every once in a while, you can actually go into one to get a bit of swag. Doesn’t seem too objectionable. Wait a minute…holy crap what was that? Did that flower just have teeth? Why is it trying to eat the business end of my pants? I had to just imagine that. Nope…there it is again. This evolutionary marvel made Mario take forever for me. To this day when I get nostalgic and throw down some Mario Bros. action I still an fearful that maybe, just maybe I didn’t see the freaky flower. As if trying to nibble skid marks isn’t bad enough they have the evolutionary gift of being able to spit fire. Why is it that I can’t even keep a cactus alive to save my ass but this tool not only doesn’t die easily but if he doesn’t throw an anal tongue dart my way I have to dodge a flaming ball of plant fury.
I truly feel sorry for all of you. If you ever see me online I should be an easy kill for you. I’m admittedly not that good. I feel bad for anyone who sees my character in a game lobby. I’m like that kid who finally gets to play with the big kids one day. He gets so excited that all he produces is total suck. That’s me. If I’m on your team I’m absolutely certain to frustrate you with my total ineptitude. Warhawk? Yeah I’ll fly my plane into a mountain. “I have the flag…yeah I bet I can suddenly jump over the tank.” I’m that asshole. I’m really sorry everyone, but quite frankly no I won’t stop. I will keep playing and every once in a while I’ll melee the piss out of you while you’re trying to snipe and laugh about it. Because you just meleed by an asshole.
Please button your shirt. I don't need to see that.
Have you played Final Fantasy X? This guy not only dresses like a total jagoff (yeah nice open shirt there douche bag) he talks like one too. He doesn’t want to save the planet, he just wants to get a piece of Yuna. He even forces her to marry him to help seal the deal. Not only that did you notice his Aeon? Anima was his mother! Thats right, his mother died to help bring peace to the world and he goes ahead and makes her fayth is own person mega bitch. Yeah, Anima was bad ass when you got it but dude. Show some class. That’s your mom. What’s really infuriating about him is that he’s always there. Lurking in the background. Waiting. Watching. Oh you think you’re safe? BAM BITCHES!! He made me afraid to play Final Fantasy X-2. I spent literally the entire game expecting him to pop up out of nowhere and try to pick a fight. The horribly singing was a welcome alternative to seeing him. Granted he did have a cameo that made me throw things at my television but that was about it.
The reason I haven't been to a dentist in ten years
I straight up loved ToeJam and Earl. To this day it is one of my top 5 favorite video games and more than likely always will be. The greatest part about it was that it was different every time you played it. There were two levels that were always the same; Level 1 and Level -1. When was the last time you thought about the secret level? But there was one aspect of ToeJam and Earl that always blew goats. Cupid was annoying yes. He had that off key horrible little tune he would warble, however he made things a little challenging. The Dentist. That damn dentist. As if kids didn’t hate the dentist enough they had to throw this sack of monkey nuts into the mix. He was faster than you. He could whoop your ass. Worst of all, after level 10 he was everywhere. You had to be pretty handy with the tomatoes to take this guy out. Then there was his laugh. I still cringe when I hear that laugh. Every time. Without fail.
The tornado was equally annoying. Once you saw the sand you knew you had to spend the rest of the game dodging tornadoes. They didn’t take your health. They didn’t take your presents. They just took you. Wherever they wanted. 90% of the time it was either off the board so you fall down a level and have to fight through the sea of fucktards you just got past, or it was on top of a damn mole who stole all of your hard earned presents. No amount of Santa stalking could ever make up for the damage that tornado caused. I don’t care what small Ohio town you’re from I think I hate tornadoes more than you. (too soon?)
One more thing Williams and you're going out the airlock
There we are. On a planet, trying to help a colony overrun with Geth. Wrex is shitting himself with anger because he wants to help the fact that he can’t have kids. He’s shooting his gun into the water. No harm, no foul. He’s just letting off some steam. He’s a 5 foot talking warthog, lizard thing. It’s understandable. I would be upset too. You send Sheppard to talk to him and you find out that he really is pissed. It’s cool, time to talk him down off the ledge. He’s almost there and this bitch Williams pops him in the head with her pistol. He’s the closest thing that game had to comic relief and now, thanks to Williams, he’s laying face down in a river. All because he was upset that he can’t have kids. Because of that single act I spent the majority of the rest of the game hoping I would be allowed to donkey punch her when the time came.
Can someone please pick him up in a white van?
In EarthBound he was fun to play. He was one of the heros. Gotta love Ness, that is until you see him Super Smash Bros. This little prick comes out like a hurricane floatin’ around and smacking you off the level with his bat. You know the bat? One of the most underrated tools in Super Smash Bros. A great player could grab the bat and one hit everyone off the map virtually solidifying victory. When we play it’s an all out brawl for the bat. Screw your hammer. You can’t move well with it. But the bat, more mobility, more bat smackin’, more carnage. This prick comes equipped with one. You may hate the new player effect witch Captain Falcon and the “Falcon Punch”. Let’s face it, Falcon is a powerhouse player, you know that going into it. But Ness, that prick is just full of one cheap shot after another.
Yeah, lets find out what Tyson has to say about all of this
Back when this was Mike Tyson’s gig Punch-Out!! was the mad note. Every single person would mess up Glass Joe, laugh at Soda Popinski and fight their way to be the premier pint size pugilist. Then you got to face “the man” Mike Tyson. This man is still an imposing force of nature that no human being would ever mess with. In video game form he towered over Mac (the hero of Punch-Out!!) and one punch sent you to the canvas. It was everything you ever expected from a Tyson blow. Then suddenly something happened. Mr. effing Dream came in from “Dreamland” and took the throne from Mike Tyson. I never saw the bout myself but it had damn well better have been epic. You can’t take down Tyson with anything short of a Peterbilt. Apparently in “Dreamland” you can dream Tyson away and usurp the thrown. BUSH LEAGUE!! This flat top having, sullen cheek dick wad still had all the power of Tyson but none of the street cred. You would literally get you ass handed to you by a guy from “Dreamland”…”DREAMLAND”!! Find that on a map. I challenge you. I bet if Carmen Sandiego went there nobody would ever flipping find her ass. No boxer has ever been as hated as Mr. Dream, not even Ali when he refused the draft. He’s like Ivan Drago only infinitely more lame.
Come to think of it, he looks a little like Maester Seymore
I spent literally a week building up my character before he could take down Lu Bu in Dynasty Warriors 4. No character in that series is nearly as diesel as Lu Bu. If you’re ever seen him you know what I mean. For those of you who don’t let me explain. It’s the third level. You’re new to the game. You love the Musou. You’re just tallying up the kills. In your wake is a sea of bodies rivaled only by…well there is nothing. You are that bad ass. Then you hear that Lu Bu is on the scene. You got this. You run in full of confidence, piss, and vinegar. One hit and it’s all over. The problem is that you’re not the one throwing the beat down. Lu Bu bitch slaps you one time and you’re on the ground. Just to add insult to injury he doesn’t let up. He just keeps on after you. You may have an army behind you but it won’t matter. Nobody will get near you or him. You get no support and he just makes you look foolish. It’s like watching Macaulay Culkin versus Warren Sapp.
Sadly, I can only rant for so long before I need a break. But I’m not done yet. I got plenty more characters that have pissed me off over the years.
Have someone you really want to see on the next list? Shoot us a comment or email and maybe you’ll find yourself in Video Game Characters We Love to Hate: Part 2.
When you think of kids games, you don’t usually think ‘pervy’. At least, I don’t. But it can be surprising what pervy things (subtle, and not-at-all-subtle) those dirty game developers can slip into a so-called kids game.
"Something's going on under there, kids, and I don't think they're looking for the dog,"
For example, take the Sims series. Certain romantic interactions can get very graphic, and certainly a lot of time was spent animating the ‘Make-out’ interaction, with much giggling and little moaning noises. Heck, starting with the very first expansion pack (Livin’ Large) to the original Sims game, a specific bed would allow male and female characters to get it on. Do the deed beneath the sheets. While nothing above a PG-13 rating is shown, the bed is animated with a bump rolling around under the sheets, again with the sounds of giggling and even some barking. (Sidenote/Question – who barks while having sex?? Are they suggesting the Sims are doing it doggy style? How pervy is that!!) In the later games, you can have more creative sex, like in a hot tub, or in a changing room while out and about. (Check out all the details on WooHoo-ing here. Because I know you want to know.) Granted, I suppose the developers are trying to make the games as accurate to real life as possible…and out of that deed your Sim could wind up pregnant, but still! It’s pretty pervy to be sneaking that into a game that seems like it could be marketed towards kids. And yes, I know that many adults were attracted to it and hooked on it. But do you think parents would think twice about buying this game for their kids? Probably not. Sneaky, dirty developers.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I love it. But still sneaky.
Mmm, nothing's sexier than a man with a big gun...and a weasel on his shoulder.
What about the Jak & Daxter series? These games sneak in some sexual hints fairly easily. There’s the sexy Keira, who walks like with the hip movements of a stripper. Daxter flirts like crazy with her, but she and Jak are the ones who have eyes for each other. However…when they try to share a kiss, they tend to be interrupted a lot. Talk about sexual tension! There’s also the fierce Ashelin, who causes much jealousy in Keira when it seems clear that there’s some chemistry between Jak and Ashelin. It seems that Ashelin is the first who successfully shares a kiss with Jak, at least on screen. And Rayn, too, is another character who might share some attraction to (and from) Jak. She’s of the ‘touchy-feely’ variety, as she thanks Jak while touching him.
I can't even say her name. The controversy might start a war
The Final Fantasy series definitely has a lot of sexuality behind it. Sure, you could say these games are geared for an older audience with their Teen ratings, but that doesn’t mean young kids won’t get their hands on them. Heck, just play a few hours into FF7 and you’ll see guys dressing up as girls, men who want to pay for sex (or just have them line up for him and then make creepy advances on them *ahem* Don Corneo – oh and did you know that ‘Don Corneo’ is Spanish for “Mister Horny”?) with women at a strip club slash brothel of some sorts (“Honeybee Inn”. Yes, really), and a woman who fights with…get this…a ROD. Or a pole. Or a staff. Okay, I know the last one is reaching, but I bet you didn’t think of her weapons in that light before, did you?! And in Final Fantasy 8, you can collect porno magazines! No, you can’t actually read them…but…they’re porn! (Remember, Squall‘s seventeen. You know he’s taking those to his room and…well, Polishing the Console.)
Seriously, what's so great about her?
Even the kids-y and comical Monkey Island series has some adult aspects. Why is the evil LeChuck so set on kidnapping and marrying Elaine Marley, even after she’s spurned his advances again and again? He’s apparently obsessed with her. That’s…a little mature. Also, a direct quote from Guybrush Threepwood in-game, “Hey, the quicksand is sucking all of the cool stuff I found out of my pants! Now there’s an odd sensation.”
Yeah, I bet he really enjoys that sucking in his pants.
Final Fantasy X was a phenomenal specimen of both story and beauty when it hit the PlayStation 2. Contained within was yet another specimen of beauty. Within the world of Spira was a race of people known as the Al Bhed. They were a feared and hated people because of their open and extensive use of Machina and rightfully so! Seriously, who likes to use machines?!?!?!
Sorry internet I didn’t mean it.
First appearance of Rikku. Who wants to translate that into Al Bhed?
If a normal denizen of Spira were to lay eyes on one specific Al Bhed, however, I’m sure they would all change their tune.
Rikku is a spunky little Al Bhed who displays an uncanny ability to either:
A.) Hold her breath for a ridiculously long time
B.) Breathe without the normal use of her mouth.
Either way it makes her go from hot to hotter in a fraction of a second. Mix that with the fact that she’s a forbidden race of people and the hotness just keeps rising.
We first meet her when Tidus is lost and confused in a brave new world. He gets captured by the Al Bhed and held on their ship. While the crew is content to leave him on deck alone to starve, one lone individual decides to show kindness to the stranger. Sure you can’t understand a word she’s saying, but you just know she’s a hottie.
But this isn’t the only game in which we find this weeks Ass Stamp of Approval winner.
Rikku: as she is seen in Final Fantasy X-2
She also has the distinction of being one of two people to be heavily prominent in the first ever Final Fantasy direct sequel, Final Fantasy X-2. In X-2 she’s still an Al Bhed, but now they are more tolerated and welcomed by the people. Probably the Rikku hotness won them over.
While she’s not as bundled up as the first go round, she can change costumes and show off a variety of…lest just call them talents.
For this reason Rikku is this weeks Ass Stamp of Approval: Video Game Pin Up winner.
I think I can speak for most when I say: “Rumo csugac e fuimt mega du pyhk dra ramm uid uv Rikku”
You go Rikku