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Where's my Round-Up?
There you are, a seeming normal plumber thrust into an unnatural situation. You know you have to jump over these ginormatron green pipes and sometimes, every once in a while, you can actually go into one to get a bit of swag. Doesn’t seem too objectionable. Wait a minute…holy crap what was that? Did that flower just have teeth? Why is it trying to eat the business end of my pants? I had to just imagine that. Nope…there it is again. This evolutionary marvel made Mario take forever for me. To this day when I get nostalgic and throw down some Mario Bros. action I still an fearful that maybe, just maybe I didn’t see the freaky flower. As if trying to nibble skid marks isn’t bad enough they have the evolutionary gift of being able to spit fire. Why is it that I can’t even keep a cactus alive to save my ass but this tool not only doesn’t die easily but if he doesn’t throw an anal tongue dart my way I have to dodge a flaming ball of plant fury.
I truly feel sorry for all of you. If you ever see me online I should be an easy kill for you. I’m admittedly not that good. I feel bad for anyone who sees my character in a game lobby. I’m like that kid who finally gets to play with the big kids one day. He gets so excited that all he produces is total suck. That’s me. If I’m on your team I’m absolutely certain to frustrate you with my total ineptitude. Warhawk? Yeah I’ll fly my plane into a mountain. “I have the flag…yeah I bet I can suddenly jump over the tank.” I’m that asshole. I’m really sorry everyone, but quite frankly no I won’t stop. I will keep playing and every once in a while I’ll melee the piss out of you while you’re trying to snipe and laugh about it. Because you just meleed by an asshole.
Please button your shirt. I don't need to see that.
Have you played Final Fantasy X? This guy not only dresses like a total jagoff (yeah nice open shirt there douche bag) he talks like one too. He doesn’t want to save the planet, he just wants to get a piece of Yuna. He even forces her to marry him to help seal the deal. Not only that did you notice his Aeon? Anima was his mother! Thats right, his mother died to help bring peace to the world and he goes ahead and makes her fayth is own person mega bitch. Yeah, Anima was bad ass when you got it but dude. Show some class. That’s your mom. What’s really infuriating about him is that he’s always there. Lurking in the background. Waiting. Watching. Oh you think you’re safe? BAM BITCHES!! He made me afraid to play Final Fantasy X-2. I spent literally the entire game expecting him to pop up out of nowhere and try to pick a fight. The horribly singing was a welcome alternative to seeing him. Granted he did have a cameo that made me throw things at my television but that was about it.
The reason I haven't been to a dentist in ten years
I straight up loved ToeJam and Earl. To this day it is one of my top 5 favorite video games and more than likely always will be. The greatest part about it was that it was different every time you played it. There were two levels that were always the same; Level 1 and Level -1. When was the last time you thought about the secret level? But there was one aspect of ToeJam and Earl that always blew goats. Cupid was annoying yes. He had that off key horrible little tune he would warble, however he made things a little challenging. The Dentist. That damn dentist. As if kids didn’t hate the dentist enough they had to throw this sack of monkey nuts into the mix. He was faster than you. He could whoop your ass. Worst of all, after level 10 he was everywhere. You had to be pretty handy with the tomatoes to take this guy out. Then there was his laugh. I still cringe when I hear that laugh. Every time. Without fail.
The tornado was equally annoying. Once you saw the sand you knew you had to spend the rest of the game dodging tornadoes. They didn’t take your health. They didn’t take your presents. They just took you. Wherever they wanted. 90% of the time it was either off the board so you fall down a level and have to fight through the sea of fucktards you just got past, or it was on top of a damn mole who stole all of your hard earned presents. No amount of Santa stalking could ever make up for the damage that tornado caused. I don’t care what small Ohio town you’re from I think I hate tornadoes more than you. (too soon?)
One more thing Williams and you're going out the airlock
There we are. On a planet, trying to help a colony overrun with Geth. Wrex is shitting himself with anger because he wants to help the fact that he can’t have kids. He’s shooting his gun into the water. No harm, no foul. He’s just letting off some steam. He’s a 5 foot talking warthog, lizard thing. It’s understandable. I would be upset too. You send Sheppard to talk to him and you find out that he really is pissed. It’s cool, time to talk him down off the ledge. He’s almost there and this bitch Williams pops him in the head with her pistol. He’s the closest thing that game had to comic relief and now, thanks to Williams, he’s laying face down in a river. All because he was upset that he can’t have kids. Because of that single act I spent the majority of the rest of the game hoping I would be allowed to donkey punch her when the time came.
Can someone please pick him up in a white van?
In EarthBound he was fun to play. He was one of the heros. Gotta love Ness, that is until you see him Super Smash Bros. This little prick comes out like a hurricane floatin’ around and smacking you off the level with his bat. You know the bat? One of the most underrated tools in Super Smash Bros. A great player could grab the bat and one hit everyone off the map virtually solidifying victory. When we play it’s an all out brawl for the bat. Screw your hammer. You can’t move well with it. But the bat, more mobility, more bat smackin’, more carnage. This prick comes equipped with one. You may hate the new player effect witch Captain Falcon and the “Falcon Punch”. Let’s face it, Falcon is a powerhouse player, you know that going into it. But Ness, that prick is just full of one cheap shot after another.
Yeah, lets find out what Tyson has to say about all of this
Back when this was Mike Tyson’s gig Punch-Out!! was the mad note. Every single person would mess up Glass Joe, laugh at Soda Popinski and fight their way to be the premier pint size pugilist. Then you got to face “the man” Mike Tyson. This man is still an imposing force of nature that no human being would ever mess with. In video game form he towered over Mac (the hero of Punch-Out!!) and one punch sent you to the canvas. It was everything you ever expected from a Tyson blow. Then suddenly something happened. Mr. effing Dream came in from “Dreamland” and took the throne from Mike Tyson. I never saw the bout myself but it had damn well better have been epic. You can’t take down Tyson with anything short of a Peterbilt. Apparently in “Dreamland” you can dream Tyson away and usurp the thrown. BUSH LEAGUE!! This flat top having, sullen cheek dick wad still had all the power of Tyson but none of the street cred. You would literally get you ass handed to you by a guy from “Dreamland”…”DREAMLAND”!! Find that on a map. I challenge you. I bet if Carmen Sandiego went there nobody would ever flipping find her ass. No boxer has ever been as hated as Mr. Dream, not even Ali when he refused the draft. He’s like Ivan Drago only infinitely more lame.
Come to think of it, he looks a little like Maester Seymore
I spent literally a week building up my character before he could take down Lu Bu in Dynasty Warriors 4. No character in that series is nearly as diesel as Lu Bu. If you’re ever seen him you know what I mean. For those of you who don’t let me explain. It’s the third level. You’re new to the game. You love the Musou. You’re just tallying up the kills. In your wake is a sea of bodies rivaled only by…well there is nothing. You are that bad ass. Then you hear that Lu Bu is on the scene. You got this. You run in full of confidence, piss, and vinegar. One hit and it’s all over. The problem is that you’re not the one throwing the beat down. Lu Bu bitch slaps you one time and you’re on the ground. Just to add insult to injury he doesn’t let up. He just keeps on after you. You may have an army behind you but it won’t matter. Nobody will get near you or him. You get no support and he just makes you look foolish. It’s like watching Macaulay Culkin versus Warren Sapp.
Sadly, I can only rant for so long before I need a break. But I’m not done yet. I got plenty more characters that have pissed me off over the years.
Have someone you really want to see on the next list? Shoot us a comment or email and maybe you’ll find yourself in Video Game Characters We Love to Hate: Part 2.
Prompted by the Squall’s Dead post, Wadoobie and I were discussing some of the characters and finer points in Final Fantasy VIII. Being that Dragon Age: Origins is one of our favorite games, we started comparing some of the features – let’s face it, we were talking about FF8’s lack of perving – and we stumbled upon an odd similarity involving two characters.
Make that multiple odd similarities.
Including being annoying, having face tattoos, being short, having blonde hair, orphans, names that start with ‘Z-E’…
Can't you see Zell's pointy ears?
In case you haven’t guessed yet, I’m talking about Zell from FF8 and Zevran from DA.
We’re about 90% sure these guys are related. It’s kinda hard not to see the resemblance once you realize it. Just visualize with us for a minute:
Both of these slightly annoying, less than wonderful characters were orphaned. Zell was later adopted by dear Ma Dincht, while Zevran was plucked up by the Antivan Crows, a warm and fuzzy group of assassins. Coincidence? I think not. They share features, such as the blonde hair and face tattoo – and their tattoos are on the same side of their face. This also points to some sort of shared blood. Even their names are similar, starting with the same two letters.
You may be thinking, ‘This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Zell is human while Zevran is an elf. How can they be related?’
Zevran loves...hot dogs...
While that is a valid point, I would like to again highlight the fact that both characters are orphans. Therefore, we don’t really know what lies in their past. Perhaps Zevran and Zell are cousins, and their grandparents are humans, and one rebellious daughter decided to get freaky with an elf. Or, perhaps Zevran is Zell’s grandpa? With all the love children Zevran most likely created, it’s certainly possible. Maybe we just don’t know that Zell has a little bit o’ elf in him.
And the last bit of obvious evidence…? How about the fact that they both like hot dogs? One literally, and one a little more…figuratively?
Don’t groan. You know you think it’s hilarious.
Final Fantasy VIII (FF8) happens to be another one of my favorite games of all time. FF8 was my first introduction into the world of role playing games, and boy was that a wonderful experience. I know a lot of people have issues with FF8, that it tends to be very controversial, and well, I’d like to throw an extra wrench in it.
Ouch. That's gotta hurt.
I stumbled upon a theory and possible interpretation of FF8 the other day, and at first when reading through it, I was furious. The idea is that Squall, the main character, essentially dies at the end of the first disc, when Sorceress Edea stabs him with the ice shard. What happens from then on is basically ‘life-flashing-before-your-eyes’, except with a twist. Instead of seeing what he’d already done, Squall sees the neat closure to the adventure and story they started in the beginning. Essentially, everything from Disc 2 on is all just a dream.
Again, when I first saw this link, I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick the computer. I wanted to pound on the keyboard and yell that it wasn’t true.
But the further I read, the more I started to see how it was plausible, if not necessarily likable.
It’s true that once out of Disc 1, the twists and surprises start rolling in. And, strangely enough, a lot of these twists connect the characters together. All the main characters, minus Rinoa, all grew up together. The Guardian Forces cause memory loss, which is why no one remembers each other. Edea is married to Headmaster Cid. Etc, Etc. It almost seems…too neat. Too tidy.
Squall's wholy. And potentially dead.
Even if I prefer the neat and tidy wrapping up of the story, with all characters happy, I have to admit that this theory made me think. Made me wonder. Is it possible…that everything was just a dream?
Check out the site and theory for yourself at SquallsDead.com. What do you think? Does the theory hold up?
People have always had a bit of a perv side to them; it’s undeniable. It’s strange that a medium as wide spread and penetrating as Video Games is just starting to accept it as part of the medium’s growth and evolution. Something intended to be an escape for the users and give them a glimpse in time of another life still fears to boldly tread in the sultry, sweaty, and purely delightful aspect of life that is a basic motivator for most.
Can you honestly sit there and say that in Final Fantasy VIII when a couple of high school kids wind up alone in a space ship with no light but the twinkling of the stars before them they didn’t even consider anything naughty? I would have…in a heart beat. Without question. Heck I’m thinking of it now.
But what of the games that do? What of the games that understand that people change their clothes and in doing so they tend to be somewhat nude? What of the games that understand that people do in fact bathe and shower? Most normal people do not wear any form of clothing when they do. I don’t mean games like Custer’s Revenge which seem to be the only basis for the game itself. I mean games like Dragon Age: Origins that allows players to engage in an adult relationship; Assassins Creed II, God of War (albeit a little campy to make it a mini game), and the upcoming PS3 game Heavy Rain.
Games that showcase something fun to snicker at, something almost laughable at times, and games that do not shy away from the sexual side need to be celebrated as a natural progression of evolution and not vilified as morally reprehensible.
…After all without sex there is no life.
I’ve always found it backwards that as a country, America embraces violence more than it accepts sexuality. Have you noticed how a game like Manhunt, which is disturbingly violent in that you can rip out someone’s spine or bludgeon them to death with a hammer, gets less heat than a game with a sex scene like Mass Effect? Mass Effect’s scene – which is optional, I might also point out – is about the culmination of a relationship between two characters over time. It isn’t the object of the entire game, while killing in Manhunt, is the object. Games with a ‘Sexual Content’ rating, or ‘Suggestive Content’, get blasted more frequently than games with ‘Blood and Gore’ or ‘Realistic Violence’ ratings.
What’s up with that?
The point of this blog is to applaud the games that embrace sexual content. Let’s face it – we’re all pervs at heart. And we giggle madly when a pervy reference pops up in a game.
So let’s make love, not war. And we’ll be sure to post pictures of our in-game encounters.
– Wadoobie & Kat