Category: God of War

There’s nothing worse for an achievement or trophy whore (see ‘achievement / trophy whore’ definition here) than when a game decides it’s a good idea to have some ridiculous type of collectible within the game as an achievement.  You know the type; those ridiculous pieces of paraphernalia that mean absolutely nothing to gameplay, storyline, or character development.  Nothing that furthers the actual plot of the game.  No, the only value to these random items is the achievement.

These things are as important to gameplay as the name of the designer who created Kratos’ hair.

…exactly.  They are that important.

God of War: Kratos

Why can't the flag achievements be as nonexistent as Kratos' hair?

I decided that I wanted to finish Assassin’s Creed before I started Assassin’s Creed II.  I know, I know, a little behind.  But I don’t mean story-line-wise.  I wanted to finish all the achievements.  I had pretty much all of them, except for the flag collections, Templar kills, and killing 25 guards.  After a few tries in which the guards hysterically became scared of Atair and ran away from him, I was able to lure and kill enough guards to get the achievement.  Which left the achievements for flag collecting and Templar killing (which is essentially collecting).

I set myself up with the laptop and the game, referring to the laptop for the flag locations online.  First of all, what a time waster.  The flags are sometimes hidden in tricky locations, causing the player to hunt around an area.  Thank goodness for the ability to place a ‘Player Marker’, otherwise I’d be doomed.

Assassin's Creed Flag

These will haunt my dreams.

Secondly, the cities are BIG.  There are three districts, and two of the flag achievements require the player to hunt down 100 flags total, without keeping each district’s flags as a separate achievement.  As I’m going through Jerusalem, I check off each flag starting at 1 all the way up to 100, without skipping any so I don’t mess up the count.  This whole process probably took around 2-3 hours.  And before you go off and say ‘Wow, you must be the slowest player on the planet’, I just want to say that I get easily distracted and want to kill every guard I encounter.  Anyways, as I head to the 100th flag’s location, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I’m at 99 / 100 flags.  There’s 1 damn flag left.

And it’s not where the 100th flag should be.

I had a meltdown.  Threw the controller, swore like a sailor, ranted to Wadoobie about it.  Because there’s no way I’m spending that much time to go through all 100 flags a second time…just to find ONE MISSING FLAG.  No way!

So, to make myself feel better, I’m tossing AC1 aside and digging in to AC2 immediately.

But it would also help to hear other horror stories.  What’s given you the biggest headache?  Skulls, Packages, Flying Rats, Dog Tags, Gobbos, Audio Diaries?  Whatever your poison, I want to hear it.

Oh, and if you need help with flag locations, these AC maps are worthy of an Ass Stamp of Approval.

-Kat

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Recently Kat and I were talking about how she was a girl gamer. I take a different view than most. Kat is a gamer through and through. There is no “girl” about it. She’s a head shot scoring FPS player who knows how to drift a supped up hot rod through a turn using an XBox360 controller and one hand. She can level up with the best of ’em and take down a horde without breaking a sweat.

Now I have another friend (lets call him Sam) who hasn’t touched a game since the 1990’s. Sam is the kind of guy who watched South Park and Googled Hello Kitty’s Island Adventure because it sounded like fun. He downloaded Second Life because apparently real life wasn’t entertaining enough. He doesn’t look for a challenge. He doesn’t look to better his skills. He just wants something he can breeze through and giggle about. Sam is a “girl gamer”.

Now why are we using “girl” as a negative? Well really I’m not. I’m using it to reference the children who would rather have a tea party than build a tree fort. The children who would rather dress up a cat than play a game of back yard football. It’s not an insult its just a description of someone who looks for activities that while may be personally enriching are less than challenging.

But what are some solid “girl” games? What are some gamer games? Well…allow me to answer that for you.

Girl Racing Game vs. Racing Game

Barbie Horse Adventure Hands down, clear winner. There is no possible way that any game can be less of a challenge. It’s Barbie who’s only challenge to date has been finding any pleasure with a guy with plastic hair and no junk. Horse riding is tricky. I have failed every time I have tried. Horses just don’t like me and they make it known. But seriously, all you do here is just ride around. But hey, at least the horses have different personalities…right?

Gran Turismo LogoIs there anything you can’t do in Gran Turismo? You can find your dream car and proceed to modify, optimize, and fine tune everything from the body, the engine, the paint, the tires, and pretty much everything down to the front panel display. Anyone who has ever played a Gran Turismo game can attest that winning later in the game is no easy task. From the license tests, to the actual races this game offers a multitude of ways for a gamer to lose.

Girly MMORPG vs MMORPG

zOMG! Gaia MMORPGNow admittedly I was a member of Gaia. I partook of the GD and made my obscene jokes and belittled other people.  I also tried playing the MMORPG they offered. Let me just say that I am not saying that zOMG! is easy. It does require leveling, grinding, and fighting strange anime inspired enemies in colorful cartoon like worlds. What really makes this stand out as “super girly” is the fact that its a game based around a website. A website that encourages the users to sit around, chit chat, and go shopping. So when you’re not fighting cartoons, you can play dress up!

*burble!

There are a multitude of MMORPGs out there that are tough, cruel, and worth playing. I’m not going to go in depth into finding the right one. I will however mention World of Warcraft. WoW has been around for years constantly creating new content for its players asking them to take their time and use it to level up their characters. Anyone who thinks it isn’t hard has never been through what this guy has been through:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK9aZyJJNIo]

My heart goes out to you…man? Snorlax? yeah….

Girl FPS vs FPS

No One Lives Forever video gameIt’s hard to pick a first person shooter that embodies “girly”. Kat and I went back and forth for a while and she eventually remembered a game she played way back when…

“Kat” (8:54:35 AM): No One Lives Forever
“Kat” (8:54:45 AM): That’s girly
“Wadoobie” (8:54:56 AM): never heard of it
“Kat” (8:55:04 AM): because it’s girly, that’s why!
“Wadoobie” (8:55:49 AM): how is it girly
“Wadoobie” (8:55:50 AM): ?
“Wadoobie” (8:55:59 AM): it won a few Game of the Year awards
“Kat” (8:56:01 AM): Well
“Kat” (8:56:17 AM): It’s a female lead character.  There are really humorous dialog exchanges
“Kat” (8:56:19 AM): No blood
“Kat” (8:56:26 AM): You can use hilarious guns
“Kat” (8:56:32 AM): or…banana peels
“Kat” (8:56:36 AM): to foil enemies
“Wadoobie” (8:56:38 AM): …..that wins
“Wadoobie” (8:56:41 AM): hands down
“Kat” (8:56:43 AM): Laughing gas
“Wadoobie” (8:56:44 AM): banana peels?
“Kat” (8:56:47 AM): oh yes
“Kat” (8:59:28 AM): There’s a robotic bomb disguised as an adorable kitten
“Kat” (8:59:30 AM): COME ON
“Kat” (8:59:32 AM): Girly

The Kitten Bomb sold me. I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt until the Kitten Bomb. But what is the counterpart for other gamers? Seriously…pick one. There are so many to choose from. Pick it, Battlefield? Modern Warfare? BioShock? So many to choose from that I’m pretty sure the market can be considered saturated, ya think?

Girly Third Person Action vs. Third Person Action

Ape EscapeApe Escape. I loved Ape Escape but the entire game was designed around the concept of: “Cheeky little monkeys escape. They all wear goofy helmets with flashing lights on them. They run amok. Spike has to catch them all in a net. He can bitch slap them with a lightsaber/billy club thing. Now I love monkeys and their hijinks but when it comes to having to catch them, sorry, not interested.

I will say that some of the mini-games were pretty fun. They had monkey boxing. I mean who doesn’t love the very idea of two monkey pugilists sparring off against one another. Just try to stop thinking of the music from Rocky when you start playing.

The flip side of the coin is God of War. Think about the manliest things you can think of:

  • God of War 2Knives: check
  • Chains: check
  • Fire: check
  • Flaming knives attached to body with chains: Bonus Check
  • Sex: Check
  • Blood: Check
  • Ripping off of heads/faces/arms/legs/generally any appendage: check

I know it doesn’t have the in depth game play of catching stray primates and smacking them with a billy club  but…well….it works.

Ape Escape – Monkey. Net. Goofy Helmet.

God of War – Flaming Knives, Chains, Blood, Ripping faces off, Sex Mini Games. Nuff said.

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