Category: Super Mario Kart

It was brought to my attention from a friend of mine that it was entirely possible that in my post Video Game Characters We Love to Hate: Part 1 I may have made more references to asses than I had sentences. Let me just say, Nick…hope you like this one more.

Now before we begin with round two, let me again state that you will not see the seemingly ever-present staples of these lists. Yes, I know full well there is a dog in Duck Hunt that laughs at you like a dick, but you know what? I’m sick of seeing him. I’ve made my peace with him, but the rest of these pricks…well that’s another story.

No, this is a list of the unsung pricks in the gaming world. The ones who aren’t really evil, just annoying as all hell. Okay, well sometime’s they are evil. I’m 90% sure that Toad is nothing but a mushroom headed piece of evil.

Sten – Dragon Age: Origins
Sten - Dragon Age: Origins

A dick in a tunic. How about that?

I find it hard to dislike Sten from Dragon Age: Origins. He’s large, he’s bronze, he has corn rows, and he’s angry. But at the same time I find it hard to like him as well. He’s cold, uncaring, doesn’t give a rats ass for anything but his sword. To top it off he steals cookies from a fat kid. Literally. Steals cookies. From a fat kid. While I’m certain that yes, the kid was fat, and probably didn’t need his cookies and yes, its absolutely hysterical, it is in fact a total dick move.

Warden: “Can’t we work something out?”
Carroll: “Hmm… I don’t know. Y’know, I am feeling a little peckish, though.
Warden: “There must be food at the tower lets go.”
Sten: “Parshaara! Here! Munch on these if you like.”
Carroll: “Ooh, cookies!”
Sten: “I am content to part with them if it saves us from this fool.”
Warden: “Where’d you get those?”
Sten: “There was a child–a fat, slovenly thing–in the last village we passed. I relieved him of these confections. He did not need anymore.”
Warden: “You stole cookies from a child?”
Sten: *dead serious* “For his own good.”
While he claims in the end that it was altruism that may have led to his dickish discretion in realty it was just a dick move.
Big Bertha – Super Mario Bros. 3
Big Bertha: Super Mario Brothers 3

Two things wrong with this picture

God damn this freak of fish nature. Since when do fly fish grow to be the size of a VW Bug and come equipped with nasty big point teeth? This thing is an evolutionary marvel that just justifies that in the Mushroom Kingdom nature is out to cock up your day. You have giant flowers the spit fire, flowers that try to eat the stains from your pants, giant turtles with spikes on their backs, and endless pits of despair. Now you have to content with a ginormous fish that can’t wait long enough for you to mess up your run so it’s going to literally leap out of the water and try to eat you. The only saving grace you have is to voluntarily set your hand aflame so that you can shoot fire at it in the hopes of survival but what nobody ever tells you is that taking a piss after touching the fire flower is so far beyond an ill conceived idea its like letting Mel Gibson educate your children on the virtues of tolerance. Yeah…I went there.

Sewer Ninja – Bad Dudes
Ninja - Bad Dudes

Seriously, what's with the sewer ninja party?

Well ain’t this dick head a marvel of modern science. First off, why is my Bad Dude in the sewer? Do you really need to be in the sewer? It smells like like a trip to the all you can eat Chinese Buffet but lacks all the egg rolls and dumplings. Secondly, why the hell are there ninjas down here? Is this really the great ninja secret from the 1980’s? Are sewers the secret to the ninjas power? Is the distraction of the smell really all a ninja needs to be invisible. I think its safe to say that the powerful olfactory emanations that permeate the sewer air are enough to knock a person on their ass, this can’t really be all there is. Thirdly, what the hell is this guys problem? Here I am taking a walk in the sewer, punching some ninjas, and this dick comes out of nowhere and starts cloning himself. Really chief? This bad dude just rode on the OUTSIDE of a truck to get to this sewer. What did you do? Take the brown eye log flume? All to be a dick? You have nothing better to do than create weak ass clones to annoy the Bad Dude  who, again, rode on the outside of a truck. Maybe you’re not getting this. Someone drove the truck. Bad Dude, rode on the outside, fighting off ninjas. That’s highway travel, while fighting ninjas, and still managing to make it. Do you think the biologically processed smell of last nights meatloaf and tuna sandwich is going to give you the advantage? No, you’re just going to come in here and be an annoying prick bastard who keeps making clones of himself to cock up my day. God I hate ninjas.

Toad – Super Mario Kart
Toad - Super Mario Kart

I'm gonna call 1-800-Grab-DUI on his ass someday

Most people might not have the deep seeded loathing for Toad that I do. But those people don’t know my friend “Dubs”. See, for those of you who don’t know Toad makes this irritating noise when selected. It’s a high pitched irritating “yahoo”. From here he gets more annoying. This short piece of shit happens to be one of the faster cars in Super Mario Kart. When you have a 4 player race going and toads mushroom headed douche baggery comes zipping past you when all you have is a goddamn trail of bananas behind you you really want to hit pause and punch your friend in the face. Since “Dubs” is not a video game character I can add to this list, I’m going with Toad. Toad is such a dick I may just go find the a turtle laying on the side of the road paint it blue and throw it at you while your’e sleeping. Don’t think I can’t. I know the password to your garage. It’s “boob”. Now the rest of the internet knows.

Vega – Street Fighter
This pretty boy dick head has always been a personal irritant. Seriously, lets make a guy look like Wolverine’s gay stereotype counterpart, put a porcelain mask on him and let him climb up a wall. Not enough? Let’s give him the LAMEST damn insults on Earth. Annoying as hell to go up against in a fight but when you use him you get spanked because the dick is such a delicate little welp. Also, for the love of all that is wonderful in the world stop talking about beauty. You wear loafers and flood pants. Nice pony tail dick. You’re like the creepy uncle that doesn’t get invited to the family cook out.
Tails – Sonic the Hedgehog
Tails: Sonic the Hedgehog

Always new Tails was flaming. Didn't know about the birds though.

Holy poster child for nuclear power safety regulations. What the hell happened to this squirrel that made him have two tails. Only in the 90’s could this have ever been considered a good idea. “The 90’s are all about animals with attitude. Nothing says attitude like two tails…and totally messing up.” That’s right Tails, you mess up damn near every run to get an emerald. You all know the drill, you’re running in half pipe collecting coins duckin’ and dodgin’ land-mines that happen to be laying around in a pattern you have figured out when Corky from Life Goes On who is running behind you decides that land-mines tickle and totally cocks up your run. You’re two rings and 4 second away from meeting the goal of 150 and whoops. Guess the second tail messed up my ability to run. Keep it up and I’m gonna have a pair of matching tail ear rings. I don’t even think PETA is going to have a problem with taking this dick out back Old Yeller style and selling the leftovers to fund family burger night.

Vertical Bar – Tetris
How many people had an otherwise great night of childhood ruined by a vertical bar? There you are in Tetris, you have a good thing working for you and all you need is one damn piece. One dick head piece needs to show up and you’re set. It never does. I’m with the blue right angle, go fuck yourself bar.
vertical bar - tetris

This pretty much hits the nail on the head

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