Posts Tagged ‘Devil May Cry 4’

Video Game Loading Screens: Just Pure Evil

We’ve all been there. Heavy into a video game’s story. Fully engaged by the plot. Totally immersed in the action. Riveted by the dialog. Then it strikes. The loading screen. Some video games cover it up. Some video games throw up a graphic. Some video games do something strange. In every instance its just annoying.

With technological advancements in video game systems comes the ability to do more with a game. With each attempt to do more, however, we find that we are at a loss when we have to face the interminable loading screen. When, oh when, will we find ourselves at a total lack of video game loading screens? Until we do we are forced to sit through the mundane, benign, and often arbitrary attempt to either disguise, mask, or confuse people by the loading screen.

Assassins Creed Loading Screen Fog

Assassins Creed apparently takes place in Cleveland winters

Assassin’s Creed: Behold the Fog

When Assassin’s Creed first came out it was a technological marvel. Yes, yes it was dull, repetitive, lackluster, tedious, long winded, pointless and a little preachy but hot damn was it ever b-e-a-utiful. Touring ancient cities like Jerusalem was a marvel, and they way Altair moved through a crowd reacting to physical elements as if they actually had mass and substance was simply divine. Unless it was the beggar woman. Good god they should have made stabbing her in the neck automatic win. New trophy with ever 15!!

But where the game takes a turn for the worse is the equally dull, repetitive, lackluster, tedious, long, and pointless loading screen. You enter into what can only be truely understood by someone who grew up in the northeast United States. Grey, overcast, looks cold….where’s the snow shovel because it looks like December.

When taken between events in the story the character is taken into this mysterious fog where all they have to is meander aimlessly, maybe play with the weapons a little, or punch at thin air. With all the beauty and wonder of Assassin’s Creed you would think they would have come up with something a little more inventive than…well…nothing.

Mass Effect: No Love in an Elevator

We at Polish the Console love our BioWare. Hell we mention them at least once per post. But where the seem to lack is in their loading screen. I’ll be honest with you. The main reason my relationship with Ashley Williams in Mass Effect never goes anywhere is because quite frankly I’m just too damn lazy to use the elevator. This is the future here people! The elevators should at least be slightly speedy. Don’t know what I mean. Here:

While most people may view this as a showing of Wrex’s masterful conversation skills, I view is as a barage of slow ass elevators. Couldn’t they have at least made it feel like you’re traveling in a super fast future elevator? Something that doesn’t make me think “Stairs and a fire pole could greatly help both speed and efficiency in travel in the future.”

Heavy Rain: Most awkward staring contest ever

Heavy Rain is nothing if not one of the most visually stunning video games to date. The realism expressed by the faces and mannerisms of the characters has yet to be matched. Heavy Rain is on a whole new level in video game graphical capabilities.

What better way to showcase this than to make users stare at screens like ol’ Scott here between events:

Scott! Hey SCOTT!! I’m over here! Look at me Scott. Scott god dammit stop looking around and look me in the eyes! This is both maddening and pretty darn awkward.

I mean it, it’s almost as if the video game is so ashamed of you for not looking half as good as it that it refuses to look at you. Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I haven’t showered yet? This week?

Dragon Age: Origins: Worst Cartographer EVER!

Dragon Age: Origins at least attempts to trick you into thinking its not loading. Well, unless you see the screen at the top of this post. What they do is drip blood on a map as you traverse the desolate expanse between towns. Anyone who has played knows that you spend a lot of time traveling. Always moving, always walking. While they get ready to load the next town, and often cut-scene, you are shown the following map of Ferelden:

Dragon Age: Origins Map Loading Screen

Who keeps dripping blood on the map?

On this map as you move from town to town you are followed by a rather dubious trail of blood. Who keeps dripping this blood? Are they okay? Do they need a doctor? I may have a potion or two I can use to help. Listen, I have an abundance of Injury Kits in my ruck sack. I am not going to use all of them why don’t you have one. If it can cure a gouged eyeball, or cracked skull i’m pretty sure your messy little ailment will be no trouble at all for it. Please? If not can you please stop looking at the map with me? I don’t want to catch what you have.

Devil May Cry 4: Please stop warbling, ma’am

Devil May Cry 4 set a new standard in ridiculous load screens. Anyone who owns a Playstation 3 knows exactly what I mean. You can’t play the video game without installing it. This is supposed to help cut down on load times. What we instead recieve is the most ridiculous load time ever seen in video game history.

If you don’t know what I mean I have a video for you:

Yes you read that time right. Seven…and a half…long….minutes.

At least they tell you the story so far so you’re not totally lost, but still. Seven minutes of loading. This may very well be the longest loading screen I’ve ever seen.

Let us know your favorite/most hated loading screen below. Who knows, you may just win something!

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