Posts Tagged ‘Final Fantasy’

Pervy Kids Games

When you think of kids games, you don’t usually think ‘pervy’.  At least, I don’t.  But it can be surprising what pervy things (subtle, and not-at-all-subtle) those dirty game developers can slip into a so-called kids game.

"Something's going on under there, kids, and I don't think they're looking for the dog,"

For example, take the Sims series.  Certain romantic interactions can get very graphic, and certainly a lot of time was spent animating the ‘Make-out’ interaction, with much giggling and little moaning noises.  Heck, starting with the very first expansion pack (Livin’ Large) to the original Sims game, a specific bed would allow male and female characters to get it on.  Do the deed beneath the sheets.  While nothing above a PG-13 rating is shown, the bed is animated with a bump rolling around under the sheets, again with the sounds of giggling and even some barking.  (Sidenote/Question – who barks while having sex??  Are they suggesting the Sims are doing it doggy style?  How pervy is that!!)  In the later games, you can have more creative sex, like in a hot tub, or in a changing room while out and about.  (Check out all the details on WooHoo-ing here.  Because I know you want to know.)  Granted, I suppose the developers are trying to make the games as accurate to real life as possible…and out of that deed your Sim could wind up pregnant, but still!  It’s pretty pervy to be sneaking that into a game that seems like it could be marketed towards kids.  And yes, I know that many adults were attracted to it and hooked on it.  But do you think parents would think twice about buying this game for their kids?  Probably not.  Sneaky, dirty developers.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining.  I love it.  But still sneaky.

Jak II Box

Mmm, nothing's sexier than a man with a big gun...and a weasel on his shoulder.

What about the Jak & Daxter series?  These games sneak in some sexual hints fairly easily.  There’s the sexy Keira, who walks like with the hip movements of a stripper.  Daxter flirts like crazy with her, but she and Jak are the ones who have eyes for each other.  However…when they try to share a kiss, they tend to be interrupted a lot.  Talk about sexual tension!  There’s also the fierce Ashelin, who causes much jealousy in Keira when it seems clear that there’s some chemistry between Jak and Ashelin.  It seems that Ashelin is the first who successfully shares a kiss with Jak, at least on screen.  And Rayn, too, is another character who might share some attraction to (and from) Jak.  She’s of the ‘touchy-feely’ variety, as she thanks Jak while touching him.

I can't even say her name. The controversy might start a war

The Final Fantasy series definitely has a lot of sexuality behind it.  Sure, you could say these games are geared for an older audience with their Teen ratings, but that doesn’t mean young kids won’t get their hands on them.  Heck, just play a few hours into FF7 and you’ll see guys dressing up as girls, men who want to pay for sex (or just have them line up for him and then make creepy advances on them *ahem* Don Corneo – oh and did you know that ‘Don Corneo’ is Spanish for “Mister Horny”?) with women at a strip club slash brothel of some sorts (“Honeybee Inn”.  Yes, really), and a woman who fights with…get this…a ROD.  Or a pole.  Or a staff.  Okay, I know the last one is reaching, but I bet you didn’t think of her weapons in that light before, did you?!  And in Final Fantasy 8, you can collect porno magazines!  No, you can’t actually read them…but…they’re porn!  (Remember, Squall‘s seventeen.  You know he’s taking those to his room and…well, Polishing the Console.)

Seriously, what's so great about her?

Even the kids-y and comical Monkey Island series has some adult aspects.  Why is the evil LeChuck so set on kidnapping and marrying Elaine Marley, even after she’s spurned his advances again and again?  He’s apparently obsessed with her.  That’s…a little mature.  Also, a direct quote from Guybrush Threepwood in-game, Hey, the quicksand is sucking all of the cool stuff I found out of my pants! Now there’s an odd sensation.”

Yeah, I bet he really enjoys that sucking in his pants.


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Yoichi Wada thinking we need more games like Heavy Rain is scary

Yoichi Wada - Square Enix PresidentThe video game internet work is buzzing right now thanks to wonderful Yoichi Wada. In a recent interview with Famitsu the president of Square Enix, Wada, stated:

It would be good if they made more games like Heavy Rain.

It’s comments like this that scare me. I love Square Enix. I think they are a fantastic group with some serious talent and wonderful story telling abilities. On top of that most of the games they publish are visually stunning and enough to make a grown man giggle titter like a small child on the playground.

Heavy Rain - Madison Paige

That's right Madison, we all know your secret.

I am also a fan Heavy Rain. It was fun, it was interesting, it was different. The controls were unlike anything I had ever played previously and once you got the hang of them it was game on. Visually this was one of the more exquisite games I have ever had the pleasure to play. Not to mention that Quantic Dream was nice enough to answer the age old question “does she shave” when looking at Madison Paige. Thanks guys!

Now you’re probably wondering “Why are more games like Heavy Rain scary?”

Because what made Heavy Rain so good was that it was so different. Lets be honest, Square Enix has a tendency to beat a dead horse so unmercifully that it actually comes back to life briefly so that it can be killed and beaten again. You know it’s true. Look at Final Fantasy. “Rebel/outcast gets mixed up in an adventure in a world that is a mix of magic and technological wonders. Through struggle and loss he gains the trust and admiration of his group and becomes their leader in a struggle to save the world from certain doom.” One time they had Vivi. Vivi rocked.

Final Fantasy IX - Vivi

Excessive stitching is also bad ass.

When that formula got a little old, they added Disney to the mix, but still injected it full of Final Fantasy. Okay I’m not going to lie to you, I still love Kingdom Hearts II. Organization XIII was bad ass, and so was Vivi.

But the more people make a game like Heavy Rain the more the market will be diluted and lose its charm. While yes, I do agree with Wada that there needs to be more games like it with a rich and deep story line, I beg them not to bombard the market with Heavy Rain clones that force the user to solve a murder mystery with plot twists, winding turns, and some whiney guy who desperately needs to shave running around shouting “JASON” over and over.

So here I am asking please. Wada-sama please. Square Enix please. Please from the depth of my soul don’t take something as beautiful and magnificent as Heavy Rain and dilute its magnificence by flooding the market with games that aren’t as polished, thought out, or interesting. I’m not asking you not to make something like it, but please for the love of all that is pure take time with it. Make it outstanding.

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Final Fantasy – Possible Main Character in Final Fantasy XV

In recent years Final Fantasy protagonists have been traveling down a path that can almost lead us to predict the exact personality of the main character in Final Fantasy XV. Before I share this conclusion with you, let me state that I am a huge Final Fantasy fan and pretty much love most aspects of every game ever since I put the original Final Fantasy cartridge in my old 8-bit Nintendo. They are an enjoyable escape into a color world of magic and turmoil with rich stories and characters.

Typical main characters have a personality that is rather reflective of a stereotypical teenager because in most instances they are in fact teenagers. They are angst ridden uncertain individuals who undergo a great change. Essentially we watch them grow from adolescence to adulthood through great struggle and personal reflection.

Cloud Strife - Final Fantasy VII

So much angst

With Cloud Strife we saw someone lose all identity. He was a SOLDIER 1st Class who helped bring justice to the one responsible for the tragic events at Nibelheim. Through out his journey we find him wrestle with the facts that he isn’t who he believed himself to be. He was never a SOLDIER 1st Class, he was never a hero he believed himself to be, in fact he was really little more than grave robbing sword stealing materia junkie (and you thought Yuffie had a problem with materia).

Once he discovered that he was not a hero, could not even save a flower girl, and may in fact be a clone he pretty much lost all grip of who he was. He lost touch with himself, with his friendships, and almost helped in destroying the world. He became full of self doubt, self pitty, and self deprecation. My god he became annoying. Throughout the entire middle portion of the game you just wanted to take away his oversize sword with fear that he may cause oversize slits in his wrists.

Squall Leonhart - Final Fantasy VIII

Oh so much angst

Then we have Squall Leonhart who can best be summed up in one word: “Whatever.” The other party members even mock him in-game for this being his signature catch phrase. He never shows much emotion throughout the course of the game. He typifies Emo and gets to carry around a large sword attached to a revolver for a mercenary army. Apparently they don’t have mandatory psychological evaluations in the army.

Throughout his journey we come to learn that he’s an orphan who suffers from Guardian Force induced amnesia and is prone to narcolepsy . What makes it even more fun is that he has some form of super narcolepsy that causes those around him to fall asleep. In college we called it Economics. Perhaps I’m wrong and it wasn’t a contagious disease but merely his party members attempt to escape the ever vibrant personality that was Squall.  When asked about this Squall responded with:


When we first see him (before we even get to take control of him) we see him get beaten by his rival Seifer Almasy who was a confident, gifted, natural leader that was not afraid to make tough decisions. He was charismatic, sure of himself, and would take on any challenge that came his way. He was a man with goals and with vision and, more importantly, the gumption to see it through to the end. All in all a much more interesting fit had he been chosen as the main character.

Zidane I’m going to skip over. I never really finished nine. Yes I know, Vivi was awesome but I just couldn’t handle the sickeningly cute money man with shirt cuffs with a sleeveless shirt. I still wonder why this fashion trend never caught on.

Tidus was a promising character. He was a popular athlete on a popular team. Sure blitzball was a strange game that left me wondering either 1.) where were their gills and 2.) how long could they hold their breath but it’s still a popular local sport so it gets credit. But then a few minutes into the game you come to find out that he has serious daddy issues. Yes Jecht was a horrible father who verbally abused his son and abandoned his family, but come on…he became a monster that tried to destroy the world. That’s gotta count for something right?

Vaan - Final Fantasy XII

Less angst just more annoying

Now we have Vaan. A boy raised in the desert, who lost his parents to the plague and his brother to a war. By rights he has every reason to be upset, but instead of being all angsty and annoying we find him optimistic and full of hope…and annoying. I spent most of the game asking myself why the underage boy wouldn’t put a shirt on and wishing that he would. Thank you Square-Enix for adding Balthier because otherwise I may have stopped playing.

Vaan signature flaw is that he was very childish. He wanted to be a sky pirate (which he just wouldn’t shut up about) and live free and because of this he tended to distance himself from all attachment. He had a wonderful friend in Penelo who was willing to overlook his thievery and life of crime and befriend the person that was inside. She could see the dreams and the hope and she liked what she saw. Perhaps it was the fact that her other close connection in the game was the lizard man who gave them work and by comparison Vaan is a refreshing breath of fresh air, but she stuck by him though he attempted to isolate himself to a life of piracy.

Looking at the four characters we have mentioned we have very specific characteristics that bring us to the modern Final Fantasy Protagonists:

  1. Lost family on all four accounts
  2. Isolation
  3. Angst
  4. General unpleasantness
  5. Fleeing some form of authority/army/group
  6. Are/were a soldier in an army

If we combine them we have:

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII

Lighting is a culmination of Squall, Cloud, Tidus, and Vaan. On a side note – Square-Enix next time please make the adult female the one in the open vest, not the underage boy. I spend my time in this game hoping Snow and Fang come back soon. They are caring, thoughtful characters who have a clear goal and desire to help others. Lightning is an unpleasant bitch who tells Hope, a whiny weak recently orphaned child with what appears to be a rather substantial Oedipus Complex, that he’s a burden and she’s going to leave him.

Her sister (and last surviving family member) tells her “I’ve been chosen to be an L’Cie, oh yeah and I’m also engaged” and her response is essentially  “If you have been chosen to be an L’Cie then I’m going to kill you”. She then choses to verbally and physically abuse her future brother in law for attempting to keep her sister alive and well. We see this all go down on Lighting’s birthday where her sister gives her a knife and she channels her inner Comic Book Guy and declares “Worst birthday ever”. I really hope she undergoes the signature Final Fantasy transformation into adulthood soon because she is really starting to get to me.

But where does this take us? Well Lightning is a little too abrasive. They attempted to combine aspects of all characters that they thought would work but they overdid it. They need to scale it back a bit for the next one. This can only lead us to one logical conclusion. The next main character in Final Fantasy (not Noctis) will be:

And for those keeping score, yes, I said that Kim Jong-il was a scaled back version of Lightning.

Let us know what you think the next Final Fantasy Character is going to be like. Bonus points to anyone who makes a Kim Jong-il character in the upcoming MMO Final Fantasy XIV

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Final Fantasy VIII: Squall’s Dead

Final Fantasy VIII (FF8) happens to be another one of my favorite games of all time.  FF8 was my first introduction into the world of role playing games, and boy was that a wonderful experience.  I know a lot of people have issues with FF8, that it tends to be very controversial, and well, I’d like to throw an extra wrench in it.


Squall Iced

Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

I stumbled upon a theory and possible interpretation of FF8 the other day, and at first when reading through it, I was furious.  The idea is that Squall, the main character, essentially dies at the end of the first disc, when Sorceress Edea stabs him with the ice shard.  What happens from then on is basically ‘life-flashing-before-your-eyes’, except with a twist.  Instead of seeing what he’d already done, Squall sees the neat closure to the adventure and story they started in the beginning.  Essentially, everything from Disc 2 on is all just a dream.

Again, when I first saw this link, I wanted to scream.  I wanted to kick the computer.  I wanted to pound on the keyboard and yell that it wasn’t true.

But the further I read, the more I started to see how it was plausible, if not necessarily likable.

It’s true that once out of Disc 1, the twists and surprises start rolling in.  And, strangely enough, a lot of these twists connect the characters together.  All the main characters, minus Rinoa, all grew up together.  The Guardian Forces cause memory loss, which is why no one remembers each other.  Edea is married to Headmaster Cid.  Etc, Etc.  It almost seems…too neat.  Too tidy.

Squall's Dead

Squall's wholy. And potentially dead.

Even if I prefer the neat and tidy wrapping up of the story, with all characters happy, I have to admit that this theory made me think.  Made me wonder.  Is it possible…that everything was just a dream?

Check out the site and theory for yourself at  What do you think?  Does the theory hold up?

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